I Had A Dream

"Take heed of the dream"

I Had A Dream

“Take heed of the dream”

By Rubicon w/ Sean Griobhtha

16 October 2023

Floating down, through the clouds

Memories come rushing up to meet me now

But in the space between the heavens

And the corner of some foreign field

I had a dream

I had a dream

Goodbye, Max

Goodbye, Ma

After the service, when you’re walking slowly to the car

And the silver in her hair shines in the cold November air

You hear the tolling bell

And touch the silk in your lapel

And as the tear drops rise to meet the comfort of the band

You take her frail hand

And hold on to the dream!

A place to stay

Enough to eat

Somewhere, old heroes shuffle safely down the street

Where you can speak out loud

About your doubts and fears

And what’s more, no-one ever disappears

You never hear their standard issue kicking in your door

You can relax on both sides of the tracks

And maniacs don’t blow holes in bandsmen by remote control

And everyone has recourse to the law

And no one kills the children anymore

No one kills the children anymore

Night after night

Going round and round my brain

His dream is driving me insane

In the corner of some foreign field

The gunner sleeps tonight

What’s done is done

We cannot just write off his final scene

Take heed of the dream

Take heed

Pink Floyd – The Gunner’s Dream

I had a dream the other night. I was climbing in the helicopter leaving the carrier to go destroy a Mexican cartel’s drug factory, and about 40 lives. I could smell the burnt fuel, and the grease and hydraulic fluid; I could feel the vibrations in the panels and frame of the chopper. It was just turning nightfall, and the chopper was speeding on the top of the water, and I was feeling confident, and reticent, about performing the mission; adrenaline was slightly raised and I felt extremely alert. In front of me strapped to the floor were bags filled with various killing tools, weapons and excavation tools, and explosives & detonators. The natural colors were vivid, the crews’ serious faces were like chiseled stone. As we crossed over the breakers I could smell the salt spray. The pilot was happy-go-lucky, and he smoothly kept the chopper an exact distance from the water and ensuing ground.

The memories of this entrance into Mexico are exactly as the event took place. But then, my brain decided to add a new feature to this dream. To our left, this chopper, the exact chopper I was entering into Mexico with, appeared coming toward our direction. At this point my brain slowed time to a crawl. As the same chopper approached close, exiting Mexico, I saw the same pilot concentrating, and the same stone faces on the rest of the crew. Then, I saw me – I’ll have to refer to that slightly older me (~3 hours older) as Rubicon 2, or R2 for short. R2 and I are the only ones moving normal speed. R2 was yelling and waving at me to “Go back!” He looked extremely sad and had tears streaming down his face, pleading with me not to go. I could feel the pained expression on his face, and the desperation in his gestures. As the choppers separated and we both continued, R2 yelled “Nooooooo!” and I felt very sad for him, as I would soon feel the same. The time sped up fast and the dream ended.

My body has responded well to treatment with prazosin. There have been dose dependent break-through dreams (nightmares) that have been just as devastating to me as without the prazosin, but the medicine stretches the time between break-through dreams. I felt this dream was a break-through, milder but deadly serious, but it didn’t cause body movements. I have noticed that the adrenaline blocking truly helps my sleep, yet the memories, which I had always attempted to force down and lock up, come to the surface more when awake.

Now, why did my brain throw in the extra element? I’ve come a long way with my PTSD and my wife, who has a heart of gold, helps me talk through these things. We don’t always come up with answers or solutions, but attempting to understand these things greatly helps my heart. But what is the purpose of the brain making up and throwing in extra elements? Is my brain attempting to work around prazosin? I have accepted my guilt, so is my brain attempting to utilize different tools, a conversation of sorts versus a sledgehammer? Why did my brain create such an elaborate and highly detailed element matching the original memory and dream?

Perhaps it’s just a sub-process of what I’ve said previously. Perhaps it’s wrong to attempt to change or stifle dreams. Evolution… “Take heed of the dream.”

continued in sequel

**********

Rubicon spent just under three years as a military Scout. During that time he was awarded the “AF Cross, 2 Silver Stars, 4 Bronze Stars, Defense Superior Service Medal, AF Good Conduct Medal, and the CIA Distinguished Service Medal” (ODNI). When he refused to kill further, he was stripped of these awards and was abandoned with his PTSD by the military and thrown away.

Sean Griobhtha (gree-O-tah) is a combat veteran. His latest book is X Rubicon: Crossing Life, Sex, Love, & Killing in CIA Proxy Wars: An indictment of US Citizens: ignorantia non excusat, which details the life of Rubicon, another combat veteran — “2.5 years Deception & Death, 40+ years locking away Emotions & Truth”. You can find him mostly on SubStack. He can be reached at O.Griobhtha+XRubicon@gmail.com. It’s important that you read the Foreward (Vanguard); written by a highly intelligent woman with a heart of empathetic gold; she’ll bring you in gently, which neither Rubicon nor I would ever do.