Guilt, Repentance, & Change
Why Guilt is Important and Can’t be “Forgotten”
Guilt, Repentance, & Change
Why Guilt is Important and Can’t be “Forgotten”
Rubicon with Sean Griobhtha
excerpted chapter from X Rubicon
I was moved to write this after reading 15 Useful Facts… by Caitlin Johnstone (Substack:
), specifically in regard to Guilt. I enjoy her writing, attitude, and sentimentalities; but I don’t always agree. This isn’t really a disagreement, just an expansion of the meaning of Guilt, and its necessary place in humanity. I understand her use of the word in the context of her experience. At a young age she was brutally raped. My wife was also brutally raped at a young age. In that context, Guilt for a rape victim is misplaced… it shouldn’t be in their mind, even though it is one of the first thoughts that occurs to them. No matter what mistakes or misjudgments they may, or may not have made, rape is theft of life and spirit, and no one has the right to do that to another. She wrote that Guilt has no place or purpose, and again in the context of her and my wife’s experience, I completely agree. However, in the context of the perpetrator, Guilt is required. The rapist or physical murderer must come to terms with what they have done; and in this context Guilt is a very valuable tool of our nature to bring justice and repentance to the perpetrator, even though this doesn’t often happen because humans can be trained to ignore guilt, or cover it up… In some cases it means a psychopath has been grown; rape is always the act of a psychopath, and as I grow older psychopaths become easier to spot, and their population is expanding – from Presidents to rapists, and sometimes they are one and the same.Jim Gaffigan has a great routine regarding cats. They kill indiscriminately, sometimes torturing and playing with their prey in the process. Yet they never repent of this torture or killing (even when they don’t need the food); they never get teary eyed and regretful; they never go around crying that “I’ve killed something… I feel terrible”. But humans do have that capacity, and they have it for a reason. Combat veterans (unless they’re born sociopaths or they’ve turned into psychopaths) do become riddled with Guilt, and not many of them would say they don’t deserve this Guilt. While many would say, “It’s not your fault… you have to let that go”, these are just not possible; and the first of those statements isn’t completely true. Even rape victims don’t “let it go”, rather, just like the traumas of combat veterans, it comes back in triggers, dreams, and waves for their entire life; and while it’s important not to live in the past, it’s as sure as anything known that the past informs the present and the future in order to cause change in humanity. Silence and burying traumas hurt humanity; the populace not being in full communication with traumas hurts humanity. These traumas must be discussed, and I applaud my wife and Caitlin Johnstone for saying out loud and in writing what has happened, and how they feel about it, and how they’ve struggled to cope.
This also applies to combat veterans. We are perpetrators. We have killed upon the orders and demands of others; and it doesn’t matter whether we are personally responsible for 1 death, or >300 with participation in thousands of deaths; we as humanity and a people must talk about it, otherwise the same psychopaths, mistakes, and atrocities continue again, and again, and again, and again… ad infinitum. Many combat veterans are unable to talk about it because it may cause a mental breakdown (very few can even discuss their experiences without breaking into tears); many can talk about it yet choose not to – they believe they shouldn’t express these things out loud, or they should protect others from the horrific pain they feel for the rest of their lives; and many choose to divert their attention to self-medication of whatever kind; and some go so far into denial they never return. But combat veterans, who despise what they have done, should be encouraged to tell their tales (minus patriotic vainglorious bullshit) to all the people, and the people should be encouraged to listen, because that is the only way we, the people, will make progress to stopping wars and atrocities.
I have Guilt for what I’ve committed, and you should feel it, because being a Citizen in a democracy requires you to shoulder that kind of responsibility. If you don’t educate yourself and if you fail to come down hard on your elected representatives (Democrat, Republican, Labor, Tory, Liberal, Conservative, or whatever) you are as Guilty as any GI. You may think a veteran’s voluntary service contract absolves you, but it does not! WW2 vets, fighting what has been considered to be a righteous war, didn’t feel absolution, and the same applies to the volunteer force. Lies and propaganda are fed to veterans and the people, and these must be addressed and change enacted.
I never wanted to become a killer. But you’ll understand that lies and propaganda in lieu of reason cause a steering onto paths that you never thought, in your wildest dreams, that you’d be walking on – especially when this happens at a young age, before your mental braking system has fully developed. Once it’s happened, Guilt is your saving grace to stay human. Guilt leads to repentance. I’m an atheist, and I don’t mean repentance in a religious sense (unless you follow Upton Sinclair’s sense of Religion), but in a truly human sense. I could have only blamed others, but that wouldn’t be honest.
The details of what I did — even if I was led, coaxed, coached, and ordered into doing it – infuse this book. As I stated, it’s a mea culpa, an admittance of Guilt; and I’ve lived with that Guilt for over four decades. Sean’s notes of my babbling inform you further:
I'VE BEEN ASKED… why November and December bother me so deeply, when the time of year is for Thanks and Love. But the time of year is also for reflection. In November 1980, while Americans prepared to give Thanks for being alive and well, at the beginning of the month I was in the Guatemalan jungle taking the lives of four men by knife strikes, because the God Capitalism demanded it. At the end of the month, while Americans were in earnest to give Thanks and feel warm and cozy with family, I was in El Salvador killing and helping to kill several hundred men and women, and I put a bullet in the brain of man for whom I had, and still have, respect, because the God Capitalism demanded it. In the first third of December 1980, I was in Central America again, while Americans were snug in their beds, with visions of power, glory, and sugarplums in their heads, and I was executing a plan to kill ~1000 people, and once again I was killing guards with knife strikes and being soaked in blood. I did this for ALL Americans and their God, Capitalism. THIS is what I reflect on every November and December (and every other month has its own reflections). Within 30 days I had killed and helped kill ~1400 humans. THIS is what you ask young men without developed frontal lobes to do for you... your Dirty Work for false Gods…
Rubicon (Notes for X Rubicon)
You will obviously sense the pointing of my finger, and I truly believe you are as Guilty as I am; but this chapter is specifically about my own Guilt, how it came about, and how it constantly resurfaces. As stated, many things in life are rubicons. For combat veterans, like myself and Sean, a permanent shift happens and the pathway back and the destination are obliterated. Once you’ve taken a life, who you were before is dissolved and you must remake yourself in the best way you can manage. Some men never get that far. Suicide among combat veterans far outpaces the civilian population, especially as they age, which exposes another problem – men living for decades in silent Guilt until they just can’t live with it anymore in silence. This book provides you a better understanding of the seriousness and magnitude of the problem. Don’t waste what is offered to you. PTSD and Guilt are the forgone conclusions.
Prior to my military separation the Guilt ate away at me, but I still had a protective shell going, so it ate away at the edges and ate toward my heart. As the Guilt ate deeper, it allowed me to finally say no to continuing as I had been, and saying no to the propaganda and lies. But make no mistake, the changes within are permanent and painful. Without Guilt, repentance and change will not come. I’ve had people and therapists, with no experience in these matters, tell me Guilt serves no purpose, and I should simply, “let it go”. But that’s really asinine because these changes are permanent. You can learn to live with it, and control it somewhat, but it never goes away; but this living and control can only be achieved through repentance.
At first, the Guilt was overwhelming and I couldn’t see any solution but suicide to stop the pain. At the time(s), I hadn’t fully accepted my responsibility, and so there was no repentance. As your frontal lobe brakes develop and come into their own, it’s like an adult with wisdom finally walks into the room and shouts at you, “What the fuck have you done?!?” Your brain and your heart have a Herculean task. Self-preservation is part of your base programming, and it fights mightily against the pain, yet it embraces the Guilt to try to get you to think, to understand what you’ve done. No one wants to be blamed, not even by their own brain and heart, nevertheless, it’s a grief that you must go through in order to accept your own responsibility. Different people have different timelines. For me, it took 25-30 years of pain and remembrance to get that far.
Your brain’s greatest weapon against your own intransigence is dreams/nightmares. They start almost immediately after the trauma and gain strength. Dreams with the kind of power we’re talking about force adrenaline output. This adrenaline doesn’t bring you out of sleep mode, but it alters your body’s natural function of curbing movement during this supposed sleep cycle, and you begin running, shooting, stabbing… and when you do wake up, you are exhausted, and w/o medication the dreams stick with you throughout the day. Alpha and beta adrenaline blockers can help with this, but there are still breakthrough dreams.
These dreams, and the many manifestations of trauma that occur throughout the day, are the main reasons you can’t “forget”; and I truly believe that we are not supposed to forget, otherwise, how can evolutionary changes come about? My experience with others informs that many of them would like not to know about these things, or they would like these things to be forgotten, or they would like to forget them, or just have them go away. This attitude is what allows atrocities to keep taking place. But the combat veteran will never be able to forget, so you should listen to them if you really want to see a better world come into being.
Some of the manifestations are from triggers. By far, the greatest triggering comes from Virgins Talking About Sex; and within this category are the Rolfs (named after the Nazi youth in the Sound Of Music). None of these people know anything about war and pain, yet they pontificate freely about these being necessary, glorifying, “to the victor go the spoils”, etc… and the Rolfs’ dream of killing for the fatherland in an insane psychopathic orgasm becomes propaganda. Also, “patriots” and control freaks are highly triggering to combat veterans, as it’s these kind of people who make atrocities probable and possible. The military is full of all these categories; and Presidents are the epitome of the types. And then there are the idiots in Congress who deny that PTSD exists even as they send more men to die, and they play with proxy wars with the lives of others (even in the millions) paying the price; but of course, never being in harm’s way… Virgins Talking About Sex.
The reminders are constant. Within months after leaving the military, my brain gifted me with another permanent manifestation. My main area of slaughter was in Central America, and the slaughter produced plenty of blood. When the weather turns hot and humid, I look at my hands and they appear to be covered in blood, and I can smell it. When this first occurred I almost lost it. After quite a while I knew there was no blood, but it still appeared and I could smell it; and it continues to this day.
I love babies. They’re so joyful and they spread that to those around them. But for me, babies also are a stark reminder of a particular baby no longer with a mother to love and care for it and watch it grow, which is the essence of motherhood. The past informs me that I took the life of a pregnant rebel, and that baby never got to see life, and its mother and father never got to see it grow.
My right arm, hand and wrist, as I grow older have become racked with pain directly related to over 40 years ago. This was the arm and hand that plunged knives into other humans, and twisted a wide-blade knife in their bodies to make death as swift as possible.
My back, legs, and hips have pain informed by multiple parachute drops, and being yanked off the ground by Fulton Recovery System pick-ups. My right ankle gives me pain, informed by the memory of twisting it and being tracked by FARC guerrillas. My brain and heart have permanent memories of heads full of holes, bodies torn to shreds and pulverized into mist by my actions:
You get used to the variety of explosions rained down by these gunships, especially when you’re not receiving the death from above. But when a dry road has been turned into mud by the blood of humans; when you see bodies with burn holes that may have started as small shrapnel wounds, yet burned out to holes the size of grapefruits to basketballs from exploding tracer rounds (red phosphorus) or exploding 105mm rounds that contained white phosphorus (yes, it’s illegal); when you see bodies half to almost fully vaporized by 105mm rounds; when you see bodies missing their top, or their bottom, or their leg, or their arm, or their head… Sooner or later your brain, heart, and soul must pay the price for participating in this. That time came for me a few months later, and I no longer wanted to live.
X Rubicon – Guatemalan Swamp Convoy
There are so many memories, mental and physical, of pain and violence. How could those possibly be “forgotten” when they’ve altered your DNA? Your brain, heart, and your cells are not a computer. Humans have no delete function. Whatever goes in, you are required to face head-on. The Guilt is what stops a combat veteran, or a rapist, from continuing; that is why combat veterans rarely stay in the military; and that is also why the military desperately wants men below 25, before their brakes are developed.
Guilt is what can inform change for humanity. Please don’t disparage and throw away the tools Nature gives you because you find it uncomfortable. Show respect for those who can admit their Guilt and allow their experience to inform change within you; their Guilt is not just for them, it’s for humanity to do better.
X Rubicon w/ The Pretty Reckless (25)
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Rubicon spent just under three years as a military Scout. During that time he was awarded the “AF Cross, 2 Silver Stars, 4 Bronze Stars, Defense Superior Service Medal, AF Good Conduct Medal, and the CIA Distinguished Service Medal” (ODNI). When he refused to kill further, he was stripped of these awards and was abandoned with his PTSD by the military and thrown away.
Sean Griobhtha (gree-O-tah) is a combat veteran. His latest book is X Rubicon: Crossing Life, Sex, Love, & Killing in CIA Proxy Wars: An indictment of US Citizens: ignorantia non excusat, which details the life of Rubicon, another combat veteran. You can find him mostly on SubStack. He can be reached at O.Griobhtha+XRubicon@gmail.com. It’s important that you read the Foreward (Vanguard); written by a highly intelligent woman with a heart of empathetic gold; she’ll bring you in gently, which neither Rubicon nor I would ever do.