X Rubicon - Trackers - Conclusion
…The chopper brought me to the C-130, and I slept on webbing seats all the way back to the US. I was supposed to go to debriefing immediately upon return, but I was so exhausted I just went to my room and slept for 2 days. Knocks on the door demanded my attention, but I didn’t answer. On the third day I reported to the Lieutenant for debriefing. He reported directly to the Scout Program Commander. He was an evil little bastard. Never having been in the field but knowing all the rules and how EVERYTHING was supposed to be done. I gave my account and expressed remorse. He looked at me with contempt and disgust. He told me I was weak, a crybaby, and a pansy. He told me there was no room for remorse in this business. I lost it and told him he’d feel remorse if I shoved my knife in HIS heart, and continued calling him every fucking dirty word I could think of. A sergeant attending the debriefing told the Lt to back away and he got me out of the room. For years, every August and in between, I tortured myself over having destroyed a new family, destroyed a love, ended a beginning…
One thing I didn’t report was my failure to block the access road. If I had blown the trees and blocked the road for ~100 yards, they never would have gotten there that fast or been able to track so close. I knew from the moment of my arrival that a larger cohort of rebels must be nearby to support this encampment. Why didn’t I block the fucking road?!? I was trying to hurry instead of being thorough. I would normally have blocked the road just for the sake of preventing escape. Why, this one time, did I blow it off?
My dreams of having destroyed a family haunted me constantly. Yes, I knew if they had caught me they would have perhaps tortured me, and killed me for sure, and exposed my body for the media to prove US involvement. Nevertheless, I began to realize I should not even have been there. For years this event has tortured my heart. In 2007, I found a way to send information about the killings and location to the Salvadoran Consulate in Washington, DC. No fingerprints, no printer marks – anonymous Cypherpunk chain re-mailers. I was never sure of receipt until 2021.
I’ll let the words of the ODNI written to me a short time ago suffice:
“There is a conclusion to this. In August 2007 an untraceable email with PDF image attached was sent to the consulate of the foreign country involved. This communication contained details of the incident without revealing responsible parties. The PDF image was a map showing where the bodies were buried. The State Department was called in and attended the exhumation and autopsies. The bodies were that of two rebels, man and wife, 28 and 26 at time of death. The woman died of a single stab wound to the heart, and the man died of a single rotary (commando) knife wound which tore the liver. The woman was approximately 45 days pregnant, and the CIA liaison reported that the bodies had been buried with extreme care, side by side, with adjacent hands placed in a clasp. Though the CIA was sure who must have sent the email, the US Ambassador was overcome and a standing order was issued by the State Department that no action be considered or taken. The bodies were returned to their families.”
This woman is a regular in my dreams and nightmares – almost every night. Since telling my wife, the woman and her mates are trying to kill my wife, and I start stabbing all the soldiers within reach. I can still feel the blade ripping past her ribs, see the light and life fading from her eyes, and the dark whisper, “Baby!”. As her head gave way and dropped back, I held her up, then laid her down. The sadness of having ended an entire generation of human and familial growth will always be with me... the sick feeling he must have had knowing that she was dead before he died… and the look on her face as her last concern was for her baby...
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Rubicon spent just under three years as a military Scout. During that time he was awarded the “AF Cross, 2 Silver Stars, 4 Bronze Stars, Defense Superior Service Medal, AF Good Conduct Medal, and the CIA Distinguished Service Medal” (ODNI). When he refused to kill further, he was stripped of these awards and was abandoned with his PTSD by the military and thrown away.
Sean Griobhtha (gree-O-tah) is a combat veteran. His latest book is X Rubicon: Crossing Life, Sex, Love, & Killing in CIA Proxy Wars: An indictment of US Citizens: ignorantia non excusat, which details the life of Rubicon, another combat veteran. You can find him mostly on SubStack. He can be reached at O.Griobhtha+XRubicon@gmail.com.