Regret And Shame
w/ video
At that time it felt good to be congratulated. There was pride in developing and executing such a plan. But I had never seen so many dead bodies, nor had I seen such destruction and gore, and the amount of blood was beyond imagination. The missing legs, arms, heads, and holes the size of softballs to basketballs sticks hard in your brain. The amount of human blood that attaches itself to you while creeping your way through a dead convoy is astounding, and the smell permeates your nostrils, throat, and the inside of your mouth. I’m not against the use of force when necessary, but this really didn’t seem necessary; and the slaughter is beyond the pale. When I think about this now, it just makes me cry. I was all of 18 at the time and was already responsible for killing many people directly, and being an accessory to the slaughter of hundreds – all in a single night. At the time I was so indifferent to the slaughter, blocking negative thoughts, just steeling my emotions as I was taught, because I thought I was doing the right thing. Now, knowing what I know about the conflict, I’m filled with regret and shame. The images of the event haunt my dreams and fill me with sadness. I wouldn’t realize until much later that, conscious of the act or not, each life taken also took part of my connection with humanity, the dead would visit regularly, and would one day bring my mind to the point of total destruction.
X Rubicon - Ambush 1
(X Rubicon w/ The Pretty Reckless - 25)
**********
Rubicon spent just under three years as a military Scout. During that time he was awarded the “AF Cross, 2 Silver Stars, 4 Bronze Stars, Defense Superior Service Medal, AF Good Conduct Medal, and the CIA Distinguished Service Medal” (ODNI). When he refused to kill further, he was stripped of these awards and was abandoned with his PTSD by the military and thrown away.
Sean Griobhtha (gree-O-tah) is a combat veteran. His latest book is X Rubicon: Crossing Life, Sex, Love, & Killing in CIA Proxy Wars: An indictment of US Citizens: ignorantia non excusat, which details the life of Rubicon, another combat veteran. You can find him mostly on SubStack. He can be reached at O.Griobhtha+XRubicon@gmail.com. It’s important that you read the Foreward {Vanguard); written by a highly intelligent woman with a heart of empathetic gold; she’ll bring you in gently, which neither Rubicon nor I would ever do.