excerpt Forgiveness, and Responsibility, in X Rubicon

What I, what all veterans, and veterans with PTSD, also desperately need is for Americans to wake the fuck up and join reality and the human race.

[excerpt Forgiveness, and Responsibility, in X Rubicon: Crossing Life, Sex, Love, & Killing in CIA Proxy Wars: An indictment of US Citizens: ignorantia non excusat]

Gravedigger, from Some Devil, Dave Matthews Band

…The men I knew then, at least the ones I wanted to know, are dead. There are no vets of similar experience lining up to talk, other than patriotic vainglorious bullshit. The work to understand how 2-1/2 years became an all consuming 40 years, segueing into a lifetime, has fallen on myself, alone, and then my wife. At great sacrifice to herself she has kept me alive out of love, to help come to an understanding.

Charlie Rangle used to insist that all Americans serve, not because he loved war, but because he felt that mothers, fathers, voters would pay more attention to what their government gets involved in if they had a personal stake, a life, in the process – they wouldn’t be so quick to support war and destruction. A volunteer force for colonial power is unsustainable without lies and unemployment. The head of the Michigan VFW stated not too long ago that what bothers the volunteer veterans most is that while they joined based on unknown lies, and thought all Americans were in this together, they found out that most Americans are ignorant spoiled bitches that don’t pay attention, especially not paying attention to the damage done to veterans. And then there are the Americans I call Rolf, praising war and destruction and calling out the need to kill for the fatherland while having no experience in such – virgins talking about sex. Many vets feel abandoned by a spoiled population, and this is the most damaging part of PTSD, the abandonment and lies. Joe Biden has never gotten his comeuppance from his years of meddling, not even after his support of a war in Iraq based on nothing but lies – he’s a putrid Machiavelli who can’t even apologize. He continues looking for his next “splendid war” – and this also contributes to PTSD, the lack of justice and retribution for those who cause the problems. If only they had the honor to fall on their swords.

PTSD almost accomplished what thousands of rebels and Iranian soldiers couldn’t. Julie saved me from death multiple times. Without her love, without the expansion of her fine mind, I wouldn’t be able to fully adapt. She has realized things of which she was unaware. She continues to work with me and stay with me. I will always have to live with the guilt, shame, sadness, and anger, but Julie is here to help me. What I, what all veterans, and veterans with PTSD, also desperately need is for Americans to wake the fuck up and join reality and the human race.

PTSD is multifaceted. While its true that a PTSD veteran must do hard work to get into treatment and participate, either by himself or through others, a veteran finds it difficult to impossible to forgive treachery and lies by their government and commanders, especially as they never express guilt and shame for what they have wrought. A veteran finds it difficult to impossible to forgive the propaganda and programming that turned him into what he never wanted to be. A veteran finds it difficult to impossible to forgive the chicken hawks and virgins talking about sex who have no clue what the fuck they are praising or talking about. A veteran finds it difficult to impossible to forgive the lying accounts of officers writing books seeking glory and hero status for themselves, and writing justifications for wars and policies that destroy life for ideological and unjust reasons, especially when it is civilians, enlisted men, and NCOs who do the majority of killing, dying, getting wounded and scarred, and living with guilt, shame, and sadness for life. There are definitely worse things than dying.

A veteran may be able to forgive himself for being young, naive, programmed, etc…, but he will always kick himself for not having been smarter and wiser in discernment – even if that were not possible at the time. He may forgive himself if he is drafted and literally has no choice but death by battle or the firing squad. He will not be so ready or willing to forgive himself when he is a volunteer in an all volunteer force. Regardless of whether drafted or not, and of being able to spread fault around, he will be unable to forgive himself for the throats he cut, the brains he splattered, the livers he tore open, the hearts he stopped beating, the decapitations, or the targets he destroyed that later overwhelm him by the realization of the humanity he destroyed when the programming wears away. Forgiveness, for self and others, is as multifaceted as PTSD and is not always possible.

When Vietnam soldiers returned and were spat upon, they were the wrong targets of wrath, mostly berated by the same virgins talking about sex that have always existed. The anti-war movement targeted the wrong people. Overcorrecting, the population at large – still virgins talking about sex – came up with “Thank you for your service”, regardless of how the veteran feels about that service or how it affects them when you say it – because you have no idea what that veteran has gone through or done in your name. It’s a phrase that makes the virgin feel better, not the veteran. In doing so the speakers absolve themselves of their own part in the killing and destruction. The targets of wrath should have been themselves for allowing their government to go too far. The targets of anti-war wrath should be the Congressmen and women who fail to hold their government accountable to their Constitutional duties, and who fail to provide a check upon secret and Presidential power. They should be castigated for signing away their duties to secret agencies and Presidents who have nothing but gain from war.

Responsibility

Gravedigger

When you dig my grave

Could you make it shallow

So that I can feel the rain

Gravedigger – Dave Matthews

I want to make this as clear as possible. Every citizen in a democracy is responsible for what their government does. That means every American, every last one of you, is responsible for the atrocities, killing, and destruction performed in your name. You cede your power to Congress, and they cede it to secret agencies and Presidential power grabs. The whole premise of the Constitution is the control of the government by the citizens, specifically control of the Executive. The President is supposed to preside, not control; they are supposed to execute your wishes, not make them up.

Every last one of you is a killer, the same as me. You were there when I stabbed those men and women. You were there when I cut those throats. You were there when I drove the knife up into the brain of the Nicaraguan guard. You were there when I decapitated the cartel guard. You were there when I put bullets in so many heads they can’t be properly counted. You were there when we killed unarmed nuns. You were there when I dug the grave and buried the husband, wife, and unborn baby. You helped me perform all these kills. You are responsible as responsible can get, and yet you can’t seem to fathom why so many people round the world hate you, or at least see your guilt.

Ironically, because of your orders, which I defied, you were not there to save the baby. You were also not there to save the girl from getting raped; on the contrary, you were with the troopers providing them weapons and equipment to perform rape and murder (you seem to enjoy it). The bullets that blew out the troopers brains were also meant for you.

You supported corruption, torture, rape, and murder in apartheid South Africa for years. For decades you have supported and still support corruption, torture, rape, and murder in Palestine (apartheid Israel). You supported and still support corruption, torture, rape, and murder in the Philippines, throughout Central and South America, Africa, and across lower Asia. You created the drug war and cartels including the corruption, torture, rape, and murder fomented by their growth. You play the ignorant dupe as Biden continues to play his Rolf games with the CIA in Ukraine. YOU are ultimately responsible.

Cold wet stone,
Deep river bed,
Once so clean and clear now runs red.
You know too well
Was me that called you here.
Trouble get behind me now,
Trouble let me be.

Trouble – Dave Matthews