An Interview With Rubicon
Killing & PTSD
By Sean Griobhtha
28 July 2023
Substack
Months, weather, and memories can make an excruciating life for combat veterans. Some memories and manifestations of PTSD are much more painful than others:
“There is no such memory softening for trauma – rape, incest, murder, and killing for your government. This also demonstrates the fact that nature doesn’t allow you to forget those traumas; nature wants correction of deviance, an advancement of the species. Remembering the deviance from continuing life is important to the species, and is supposed to be communicated and passed on as knowledge. The pain remains in full force in order to wake humans up to the need to care and share rather than take and kill. There is no cure for PTSD. There is no softening of pain and effect in PTSD.”
X Rubicon – Boys And Men
Rubicon has gone through an experience that can only be properly described as horrific; and because of that experience, he has had to live with horrific effects for an entire lifetime. Even the letter he received from the Office of the Director of National Intelligence (ODNI) ends with an emotional slap in the face – “thank you for your service”. The saddest part of all this for me is that Rubicon’s story is not unique, as there are thousands of combat veterans with stories like his. Please, listen and search your heart for empathy (not sympathy) so that change may come to all through each and every one of you.
SG: I know that this time of year is particularly hard for you. Could you explain why that is?
Rubicon: In August 1981 I was sent on a mission to destroy rebel lives and equipment in El Salvador. I blew up a stolen helicopter that had been converted into a gunship, ammo and explosive caches. Initially, 20 rebels lost their lives in the explosions and fire. Having failed to block an access road, other rebels arrived at the scene before I could leave. I left immediately, but the just-arrived rebels fanned out and 2 headed in my direction. After ~5km I decided I had to eliminate them. I killed a woman and her husband. At the time that I committed this act, I didn’t yet know they were man and wife, or that the woman was 45 days pregnant. This fact was told to me by the ODNI 2 years ago. I’ve had repeated troubles with this my entire life; seeing babies can definitely bring this back for me and tears, choking, and pain are the result. But the amount of blood on my hands, face, and uniform combined with other such memories and guilt embedded serious pain for me. About a year after being separated, the memories of the blood and guilt, along with heat and humidity made me start seeing blood on my hands. This in and of itself was extremely disturbing at first; but the most disturbing thing for me was smelling that non-existent blood, and that continues to this day.
SG: How do you cope with that?
Rubicon: At first, I didn’t cope well, at all. During those early years I would hide my hands in my pockets or with gloves. Over time, while the manifestations continued, I was able to reassure myself that the blood wasn’t really there, but the smelling of it still gives me problems and brings back horrific memories. But every August the woman’s face and last word haunt me. When I killed her husband, I could hear the desperation and pain in his voice as he checked her… Sometimes, I see Hispanics out and about and they appear to have those faces, and again the tears and choking take hold. I once saw a therapist who had the bright idea that he could make me feel better by saying, “Maybe he didn’t want the baby… Maybe he was glad she died.” I really wanted to choke him, and I never went back to him. The thought of her and her last word, and of him with his desperation for his love, can still bring me to the point of suicide.
SG: What helps you the most when you get to that point?
Rubicon: My wife. She has constantly brought me back from the edge – over and over, year after year; without her I’d be dead. Accepting my own culpability and guilt has helped tremendously. Some may think that’s an easy step, but it’s not easy in any way, and it’s extremely painful.
SG: You’ve said before that other months carry that same kind of weight for you?
Rubicon: Yes. Most every month involved killing & destroying. Beside August, June is very painful because of the Nuns, as well as November and December. The ghosts of dead people walk around in my brain, and I accept they always will.
SG: Let’s move on to something else. Why did you want to call the Lieutenant, Weasel; and why the Major, Ian Fleming?
Rubicon: The Lt was exactly like a sycophantic human weasel – sneaky & deceitful. The Major was exactly like Ian Fleming, pretending and making up bullshit as he went along. Neither one had ever faced fire, but they both acted macho like they would be glad to kill indiscriminately, if only someone would ask them to. I’ve run into so many people with that attitude. Recently, you had a conversation with a public school teacher expressing that same attitude, that he would be proud to go and kill; unfortunately, he had a particular physical problem, so he wasn’t able to. I particularly despise Virgins Talking About Sex.
SG: Tell us about that label.
Rubicon: Virgins Talking About Sex is a label that combat veterans have used forever to describe pretending blowhards. It takes many forms, one of which is Rolf (named after the Nazi youth in the Sound of Music). Rolfs are an egregious form of the Virgins Talking About Sex – they’re very nearly psychopaths always blathering macho bullshit about the supposed joys of patriotic killing when they have no experience in such and don’t know what they’re talking about. The thing about VTAS and Rolfs is that they encourage the propaganda that Presidents and politicians use to start bullshit wars and actions. VTAS and Rolfs are men and women. Biden, Trump, Obama, Bush Jr, Clinton, Reagan, Carter, Nixon, etc…; and British queens, empresses, Golda Meir, Margaret Thatcher, Madeline Albright, etc… Virgins Talking About Sex.
SG: What would you like people to gain from these articles and the book?
Rubicon: That “you simply can’t call for war, slaughter, and destruction like you’re calling a dog”. War and combat is not a game or one-upsmanship. War and slaughter involves real death (sometimes gruesomely so), pain, and suffering – for men, women, and children. It’s the theft of peoples’ lives; and, what goes around comes around.
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Rubicon spent just under three years as a military Scout. During that time he was awarded the “AF Cross, 2 Silver Stars, 4 Bronze Stars, Defense Superior Service Medal, AF Good Conduct Medal, and the CIA Distinguished Service Medal” (ODNI). When he refused to kill further, he was stripped of these awards and was abandoned with his PTSD by the military and thrown away.
Sean Griobhtha (gree-O-tah) is a combat veteran. His latest book is X Rubicon: Crossing Life, Sex, Love, & Killing in CIA Proxy Wars: An indictment of US Citizens: ignorantia non excusat, which details the life of Rubicon, another combat veteran. You can find him mostly on SubStack. He can be reached at O.Griobhtha+XRubicon@gmail.com.